Americans Panic-Buy Beans, Forget Can Openers
Author by
Phor
Tuesday, 2025 Jun 24|
03:20 PM
When the world teeters on the brink of World War III, the U.S.
public reacts with its usual blend of logic and lunacy: hoard beans like it’s a protein apocalypse—but don’t forget to skip the can openers.
Supermarkets across the country are once again battlegrounds, this time not for toilet paper, but for black beans, kidney beans, and that weird chickpea mash nobody ate until the TikTok preppers said “stockpile.” The trigger?
Tensions with Iran and Israel flaring up faster than your uncle’s Facebook rants.
Gasoline prices hit $5 a gallon, oil futures went cardio, and CNN started running that red “Breaking News” banner like it’s a personality trait.
So naturally, the masses defaulted to bunker brain: buy food, ignore utilities, and pretend your rental’s basement isn’t full of mould and old IKEA boxes.
Retailers are reporting empty shelves in parts of Texas, Florida, and—obviously—suburban California, where even Whole Foods couldn’t keep organic lentils in stock.
Meanwhile, Amazon sales for “emergency rations” are up 320%, and Reddit is full of questions like “can you microwave canned ham during a blackout?” The answer is no, Kyle.
Prepping culture has gone full influencer mode.
TikTokers with usernames like @PrepQueen69 are holding up gas masks and portable stoves between skincare routines.
But for every sensible bug-out bag, there’s a dude who spent $400 on beans but forgot water, toilet paper, and any sense of shelf-life math.
Your apocalypse isn’t going to be fun when your pantry is one spicy fart away from disaster.
Ironically, the Department of Homeland Security has quietly reminded citizens not to panic.
But this is America—where government reassurance means it’s already too late.
FEMA’s disaster prep guides are being shared less than that viral video of a guy trying to open canned soup with a butter knife.
And for the love of all that’s edible: buy a damn can opener.
If this war fizzles out (which it might), you’ll be the proud owner of 82 pounds of beans and a story no one asked for.
If it doesn’t, well… you’ll have 82 pounds of beans and still no plan for dinner.
🧨 You made it to the end. now what?
Like that roast? Don't keep it to yourself.
Don't Miss the Next Meltdown
Subscribe if you enjoy rage, sarcasm, and the sound of democracy wheezing.
Hit me again (surprise me)“🚨 Daily Roast Drops – Subscribe Now”
other stories Phor's raging at:
News - Entertainment
Julian McMahon Dies—Millennials Cry in Charmed Rewatch
News - Lifestyle
Greens Say Stop Selling Sugar to Kids, Capitalism Screams ‘Boo!’
News - Uncategorized
