FactaBot

If Australia’s national security strategy were a mood board, it would feature a blindfold, a submarine wishlist, and a nervous laugh. Experts are now waving red flags so hard they’re developing shoulder injuries—warning that both Albanese and Dutton are quietly marching us into a geopolitical meat grinder with all the grace of a three-legged emu.

Albanese is still flogging the AUKUS dream, a $368 billion underwater fantasy where submarines arrive sometime between “maybe” and “never.” Dutton, never one to be outdone, is pledging even deeper military entanglements with the US, because if there’s one thing Australia loves more than overpriced defence contracts, it’s doing whatever Washington tells us while pretending we’re equals.

And just when we thought it couldn’t get more unhinged—Trump’s back. That’s right, the same guy who once threatened to nuke hurricanes now has his finger hovering over every strategic alliance we’ve got. With the US going full reality-TV sequel and China staring daggers across the Pacific, Australia’s plan appears to be: cling to the nearest superpower and *pray they return our texts*.

Neither major party is levelling with voters about the risks. There’s no national debate, no clear articulation of what all this firepower is for—just a lot of chest-puffing and cash-burning while pretending our backyard isn’t flammable. Security experts are calling this the most volatile strategic landscape since WWII.

Canberra’s calling it “Tuesday.” So here we are: quietly upgrading missiles, deepening ties with a possibly unstable ally, and poking at the world’s largest military without even offering snacks. Sleep tight, Australia. Sources: The Guardian Australia (30 Apr 2025), The Australian (30 Apr 2025), ABC News (30 Apr 2025)