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Woolworths just posted a profit surge—because nothing screams “strong economy” like Australians bulk-buying home brand pasta like it’s nuclear winter. The supermarket giant’s earnings jumped as shoppers, battered by the cost-of-living crisis, abandoned brands faster than politicians abandon promises.

Turns out, being broke is great for business—as long as you own the discount aisle. While Woolies execs sip artisan flat whites in boardrooms, everyday shoppers are crawling through specials like it’s the last episode of Survivor: Inflation Edition. Half-price toothpaste? That’s a win. $1 off noodles?

That’s dinner. A promo on dog food? Congratulations, you’re eating this week. The company credits “bargain hunting” for its growth. Cute. What they mean is: “We jacked the prices, then watched people celebrate saving 20 cents on overpriced Weet-Bix.” Meanwhile, store shelves are starting to look more like a tactical survival zone—one where loyalty cards are your last hope and markdown stickers are currency.

Behind the scenes, Woolworths is thriving. The profit bump confirms what we already suspected: economic collapse is just another quarterly KPI when you control essential goods. And if you dare raise an eyebrow? Don’t worry—they’ve got a new “value campaign” to tell you how much they care.

Right next to the $12 frozen pizzas and $9 shampoo. As of today, the retail giant is up, consumers are down, and Australia’s shopping experience has officially entered its dystopian clearance rack phase. But hey—Woolies shareholders are smiling. And isn’t that what groceries are all about? Sources: News.com.au, The Australian Financial Review, ABC Business, 9News (01/05/2025)