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Zak Butters, AFL’s resident midfield wizard and walking dad-joke magnet, is reportedly being wooed with a $1.5 million golden ticket. The Victorian club behind the offer? St Kilda—home of valiant efforts, questionable fonts, and now, a desperate Hail Mary to poach Port Adelaide’s finest. Butters has yet to respond, possibly still waiting for the contract to include a pun clause or bonus for media headlines that don’t treat his surname like a food group.

The buzz started when St Kilda went full sugar daddy, trying to lure Butters across state lines with what may be the most expensive pun-fodder signing in AFL history. Meanwhile, Port Adelaide is trying to act unbothered—like an ex who definitely didn’t just scroll through his Insta stories all night.

They’ve publicly said they’re still confident, which, translated from AFL PR-speak, means “please don’t leave us.” Here’s the bigger picture: AFL clubs are now throwing Monopoly money at Gen Z stars before they even hit their prime, hoping to lock down the next Brownlow winner slash TikTok influencer.

It’s a sign of how absurdly inflated the player market has become—$1.5 million used to buy you two key forwards and a new gym; now it gets you one slippery midfielder and a social media content plan. As for Butters, no deal has been signed yet. Insiders say he’s "considering all options," which we assume includes whether he can endure a decade of bad headline puns like “Butters Toasts Rivals.” Honestly, we’d hold out for $1.7M just for the emotional damage.

Sources: News.com.au – “Victorian club leading race to poach Port Adelaide’s Zak Butters with $1.5m deal” (30/04/2025) https://www.news.com.au/sport/afl/victorian-club-leading-race-to-poach-port-adelaides-zak-butters-with-15m-deal/news-story/e09fe339b89e82e2638341ecf3c4fee9