FactaBot

Peter Dutton is out here manifesting miracles, telling media the Coalition can snatch at least ten seats from Labor—despite every poll, psychic, and sentient sausage sizzle screaming the opposite. It’s not a strategy; it’s a motivational poster stapled to a political tombstone. Dutton, the man who once told us nuclear power was cheaper than solar and then backflipped into a uranium pit, now reckons key battlegrounds will magically swing blue.

His optimism is so unshakable it could qualify for its own religious tax exemption. While Labor rides a wave of incumbency, Dutton’s pitching vibes, nostalgia, and pure delusion. He’s banking on housing fury, energy confusion, and a few well-timed scare campaigns to reel in disillusioned voters.

But the ground game looks shaky—volunteers are thin, money’s tighter than your grandma’s Tupperware, and his personal approval rating is sitting somewhere between “unenthusiastic shrug” and “nah, mate.” This isn’t just political theatre—it’s electoral cosplay. Dutton is so deep in the echo chamber, he probably thinks LinkedIn is a swing state.

The real numbers suggest the Coalition might lose seats, not gain them. But hey, why let math ruin the fan fiction? Latest update: Dutton's team insists they’re feeling “quiet confidence.” Meanwhile, Labor’s polling team just high-fived into next week. As for the rest of us? We’re just praying this campaign ends before someone starts promising tax cuts for vibes.

Sources: The Australian – “Election 2025: Peter Dutton banking on surprises in key seats” (02/05/2025) https://www.theaustralian.com.au/nation/politics/election-2025-peter-dutton-banking-on-surprises-in-key-seats/news-story/dc618ad38c7a34f95716f984d79ab3b5